An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My favorite farside!!
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.