I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
You Might Also Like
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now