“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Rather alarming headline…
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
translated into Canadian
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
They’re called werewolves.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.