My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Lmbo
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
reduce, reuse, recycle
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.