I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.