Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
North and South
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I bet birds love this building.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there