My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
3% human
97% stress
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Terribly Tuesday.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.