Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
How wrong was this guy?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.