RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.