#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
You Might Also Like
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
so i’m at the stock market right
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?