Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The legends speak of a third Duran…