{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You Might Also Like
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅