Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
this is the greatest thing ever
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
do u think theres a butter planet?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
This did not end as expected.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station