Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.