Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.