THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me, reading some of your tweets
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
we’re dead?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses