ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
A drum solo but on your face.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Breakfast for Stoners:
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells