[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Morning.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.