I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
he’s doing your taxes
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”