*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species