Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”