My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.