Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
You Might Also Like
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
New favorite tiktok
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
man i love columbo
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed