I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I wish this was real life…
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?