Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
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People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]