Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert