*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
hmm conte-me mais
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.