My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life