I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot