Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Oops I deleted….
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist