Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
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My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”