Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.