Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.