Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?