People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.