Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me