“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
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I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”