3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Bros before Ohioes
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.