Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation