*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Spring of Deception
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me