My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“I took care of your clown problem.”