[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.