My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
British websites use biscuits.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.