“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
😂🤣😂🤣
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.