bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.