– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
What a website
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Safety first
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.