My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!