[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Grandmother clock.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.