A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Those are good neighbors.