Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.